Tuesday, 21 September 2010

You're HOW old?


'Don't lie about your age'

Now, you may be thinking to yourself 'Oh, but if I put 40 in the personal details bit, then explain that I am actually 45 in the text, then that isn't actually really lying, and it means so many more women will look at my profile as in general the women on the site are searching for younger men than me.'

No, what it actually means is that women who might be okay with dating a 45 year old now have no interest in you because you lied when filling out your details. Lying before you even speak to someone is a turn-off. It also means that women who aren't okay with dating a 45 year old STILL aren't okay with dating a 45 year old, and you've pissed them off even more by making them add your profile to the dross they have to sort through to find someone who isn't a dickwad. So you lose on both counts.

You may be thinking 'But I look so good for my age, the barmaid at my local totally tells me I don't look a day over 40, and this one time she even asked me for ID, so I just chose the age that I look!'

This may or may not be true. The barmaid might be partially sighted, unable to count past 40, or like the fact that you tip a lot. Whatever, it doesn't matter. The information superhighway is a wonderful thing, and now comes with pictures, so potential dates can actually see what you look like and make their own mind up as to your supposed youthfulness. Recent pictures that bear a good likeness to you are a good idea here. Sure, you can claim you're only 35 and put up a 10 year old photo, but when you meet someone they are likely to realise what you've done. And they won't be so charmed with your amazing personality that they are willing to overlook the lie. No, they really won't, not even for you, you are not that fucking special.

You could even possibly be thinking 'But I get on so much better with people younger than me, people my own age are so boring.'

There are 2 options here. 1) You are ridiculously immature. Women always find that really attractive. Oh, no, wait, not that, the opposite. 2) You are just as boring as everyone else your age, you are just oblivious to the fact.

If you really are that awesome and witty and attractive and awesome in bed and have a 12 mile long penis and own a fucking shoe store or whatever crap women these days want, then don't worry, you will meet someone, and she will love you for who you are no matter how old you are. If you're a liar and a dickwad, you will fall at the first hurdle.

So don't fucking lie about your age, okay?

Welcome to the awesome that are my tips.

TIPS, not TITS. perverts. Though thanks, I do have a pretty awesome rack.

Okay, so I signed up for OkCupid like 3 weeks ago now, and have an inbox full of assinine messages, so that clearly qualifies me to give advice to guys looking for women on dating sites.

Now, perhaps I am more picky than most. I don't really mind being single, I don't sit around late at night crying myself to sleep wishing I had someone to share my bed with, in fact, most nights I'm wishing for a little more bed space. Thanks cats. But, you know, having a partner is kinda cool, if it's someone you really connect with it's great to be able to share thoughts and activities and enjoy sexyfuntimes too, so after a little cajoling from friends, I signed up. Perhaps I am more picky than most simply because I'm not desparate for a relationship. I'm not going to read a terrible profile and say 'hmm, well he sounds like a douche, but hey, at least he has a full head of hair, sign me up for a date and a potential future life of misery!'.

This notwithstanding, I'm sure there are a few rules that all women, no matter their level of desparation, wish men on these sites would follow. I don't for one minute think that I always speak for all women everywhere, but I may pretend that I do purely for comic effect.

Also, given that I am not the most amazingly awesome woman that every man in the universe would want, I will probably run out of inspiration in my own messages at some point, so I will borrow from experiences of friends.

TIP NUMBER ONE. This is the ultimate tip, simple, all-encompassing, yet oh-so-often ignored:

'Tell the truth, and don't be a dickwad'

Really, all the other things guys on these sites do wrong fall into the categories of either lying, or being a dickwad. This tip really seems self-explanatory, but as so many people fail to heed its wisdom, further more specific tips are clearly needed.